Chutes and Ladders

Does anyone else ever feel like life is one big game of Chutes and Ladders?  This image came to mind while doing chores this morning.  I woke up feeling utterly discouraged about any and all progress I have made over the last several months after having a very emotional and challenging conversation with a friend last night.  This has become a pattern over the last year.  Something or someone would challenge me, I'd eventually process through the issues presented, and I would climb the ladder of progress in that particular area until, unexpectedly or as a result of one, single conversation, I find a chute to fall down and be the same or worse off than I was at the beginning.  This happened on several occasions with respect to my self-confidence.  I went from feeling certain I wouldn't be accepted to graduate school to understanding that I do, in fact, possess some valuable real-world experience in my field besides the combination of determination and a strong work ethic.  I have since accepted these qualities and now don't feel as anxious about getting accepted to a program.  This has translated to other areas of my life, as well.  Whenever I leave the farm, I put in more effort in my appearance (including, on occasion make up) without criticizing myself about vanity (though I'd be lying if I said that I NEVER criticize myself because it does still happen, just less frequently).  And what's nice about that part is, I do it for myself.  I'm not going to the grocery store or to visit my friends and former co-workers at my alma mater to impress anyone.  I'm dressing up because I want to.  Because it's fun and nice change from wearing grubby farm clothes.  Fortunately, I haven't slide down a chute about that lately, but even if/when that happens, I don't think I'll hit rock bottom with that one.  There's enough of a foundation for this confidence now that I'll slide part way down before I grab hold of a ladder to climb up again.  All of these things are multi-faceted, so while I still feel alright about my chances of getting into grad school, my perception of myself as a strong and capable person found one of these chutes last night, leaving me sitting on the bottom of the game board all over again.  Finding the strength to get up and look for the ladder up is going to be one of the most challenging things I will have to face, because, though I know the answer, I don't want to admit it to myself.  There's no denying that I am blocking my own way to moving on right now.  Is it foolish?  Absolutely.  Do I hate being a fool?  Undoubtedly.  Does that mean I'm ready to stop it?  No.  The trouble about these things is that you have to be your own advocate and make these decisions in your own time.  That timing may be frustrating for you, because even when you want a solution, you can't seem to move toward one.  It is also frustrating for those around you, those who care for you, who are trying to steer you or encourage you or who want more than anything for you to grow up and take care of yourself.  As someone who has been on the other side of the fence, I have some idea of what I am putting these people through, yet, oddly enough, don't feel guilty about it.  Could that change?  Sure, I could give my guilt-complex free-range in this situation in order to force me to act, but would I be acting for the right reasons?  No, I wouldn't.  I would once again be letting others direct my life.  Ultimately, I have to make this decision for myself.  If I can decide it was worth purchasing $30 in make up to get dolled up for a friend's wedding despite my judging myself in the check out, only to discover that my investment WAS worth it because I felt beautiful inside and out that day, I can and will decide it is worth overcoming the blocks I have placed in my way for particular paths in my life.  Nevertheless, I am still incredibly frustrated that in this game of Chutes and Ladders, the chutes are carefully hidden by flaps that look as secure as the rest of the ground you are walking on, so you never see them coming.  It's going to take me a while to get up and look for that next ladder, especially because I currently want (and I think, need) to suppress that urge in order to adequately work during harvest, study for the GRE, and actually finish the applications/statement of purpose, I have no doubt that at some point, I will get tired of sitting on the cold, wet earth that resides at the bottom of the game board.  At first, the cold will leave me numb, then the tingling feeling when you try to adjust your position, then the shooting pain until you get up and move all together.

Are these all convoluted images?  Yes.  Does this post make much sense?  Probably not.  But does it matter?  Not necessarily.  I needed to think through some of this before I fully suppress the conversation and fall from last night.