Update

Alright, folks, so it has obviously been longer than a week since I last posted.  Overall, things have been going pretty well.  I have decided two very important things over the last ten days or so:  trying to study for the GRE further would result in diminishing returns and spending too much time in your head causes more stress than is necessary.  Both led me to the conclusion that I need to just relax and rejuvenate.  Not worry about things beyond my control.  Take some time for myself.   Be kind to myself.  Actually put myself in the forefront without too much reflection or analysis.  The last few days have been really great as a result of my doing these things.  I've been able to think about other things and I realized that I haven't given ya'll a farm update in a long while.  So, just for something a bit more light-hearted, here's what's been going on at Scattered Acres.

We have officially begun harvest.  All of the soybeans at the home place are cut and processed.  Our yields were so good that we had to sell two wagon loads because we didn't have the storage space in our corn crib.  We were lucky to have gotten rain when we did over the summer, especially in late August, when the beans were setting pods.  We have begun picking corn, and while the yields are lower than usual, that was expected given this year's drought.  We are much better off than many farmers in Illinois. Conditions were so bad by mid-July that many had to chop their entire crop into silage in an attempt to get any good from it at all.  We haven't been in the field over the last few days because of rain, but my dad is content with our pace for the harvest, which is all that matters.

We have also been thinking ahead to winter; moving equipment back into storage, shuffling animals around to more appropriate barns, selling as many animals as are fat enough to sell, etc.  After taking a cull cow and seven fat cattle to the sale barn on Wednesday, we combined the two pens of feeder cattle together, opening up one pen in preparation for weaning our homegrown calves and my mom's bucket calves.  The bucket calves have already been moved to their new home, but we will wait a few more weeks to wean our calves from the herd.  Once we finish picking corn in one field, we will graze the cow herd in that field, so the calves will have grow a bit more before having their diet changed exclusively to grain.  We have also moved the ten replacement ewe lambs back over to the sheep house with the fat market lambs.  We have to wait until the week of Thanksgiving before we can sell the market lambs, since they aren't fat enough yet due to lack of grass over the summer.  Once they sell, though, we will bring the bred ewes over to the sheep house.  My mom is also cutting back her chicken flock in preparation for winter.  Not only have her new hens begun laying, but the price of feed has risen a fair bit, making it financially unwise to winter all those birds.

In other news, we have purchased two new pieces of equipment which ought to make our lives much better in the coming years.  Over the summer we purchased new concrete feeding bunks for the south feeder yard, and the gentleman we bought those from had a friend who was selling out of livestock.  We ended up purchasing his silage chopper.  That will be great for next summer given how many problems our chopper gave dad this year.  We also just purchased another skid-steer loader, which will replace two our of loaders that are less-than-user-friendly.  As a result of these new implements, we will be selling the old pieces as well as a few other implements that have been taking up space in the shed but have not been used in years.  It will be very exciting to sort through these implements this winter and get rid of them.

Otherwise, things on the farm as the same as they usually are.  The seasons pass and we hope we can finish everything that needs to get done in a reasonable amount of time without too many mishaps.  It's hard to believe that it nearly the end of October, though.  Frost and snow will be here before we know it!

Chutes and Ladders

Does anyone else ever feel like life is one big game of Chutes and Ladders?  This image came to mind while doing chores this morning.  I woke up feeling utterly discouraged about any and all progress I have made over the last several months after having a very emotional and challenging conversation with a friend last night.  This has become a pattern over the last year.  Something or someone would challenge me, I'd eventually process through the issues presented, and I would climb the ladder of progress in that particular area until, unexpectedly or as a result of one, single conversation, I find a chute to fall down and be the same or worse off than I was at the beginning.  This happened on several occasions with respect to my self-confidence.  I went from feeling certain I wouldn't be accepted to graduate school to understanding that I do, in fact, possess some valuable real-world experience in my field besides the combination of determination and a strong work ethic.  I have since accepted these qualities and now don't feel as anxious about getting accepted to a program.  This has translated to other areas of my life, as well.  Whenever I leave the farm, I put in more effort in my appearance (including, on occasion make up) without criticizing myself about vanity (though I'd be lying if I said that I NEVER criticize myself because it does still happen, just less frequently).  And what's nice about that part is, I do it for myself.  I'm not going to the grocery store or to visit my friends and former co-workers at my alma mater to impress anyone.  I'm dressing up because I want to.  Because it's fun and nice change from wearing grubby farm clothes.  Fortunately, I haven't slide down a chute about that lately, but even if/when that happens, I don't think I'll hit rock bottom with that one.  There's enough of a foundation for this confidence now that I'll slide part way down before I grab hold of a ladder to climb up again.  All of these things are multi-faceted, so while I still feel alright about my chances of getting into grad school, my perception of myself as a strong and capable person found one of these chutes last night, leaving me sitting on the bottom of the game board all over again.  Finding the strength to get up and look for the ladder up is going to be one of the most challenging things I will have to face, because, though I know the answer, I don't want to admit it to myself.  There's no denying that I am blocking my own way to moving on right now.  Is it foolish?  Absolutely.  Do I hate being a fool?  Undoubtedly.  Does that mean I'm ready to stop it?  No.  The trouble about these things is that you have to be your own advocate and make these decisions in your own time.  That timing may be frustrating for you, because even when you want a solution, you can't seem to move toward one.  It is also frustrating for those around you, those who care for you, who are trying to steer you or encourage you or who want more than anything for you to grow up and take care of yourself.  As someone who has been on the other side of the fence, I have some idea of what I am putting these people through, yet, oddly enough, don't feel guilty about it.  Could that change?  Sure, I could give my guilt-complex free-range in this situation in order to force me to act, but would I be acting for the right reasons?  No, I wouldn't.  I would once again be letting others direct my life.  Ultimately, I have to make this decision for myself.  If I can decide it was worth purchasing $30 in make up to get dolled up for a friend's wedding despite my judging myself in the check out, only to discover that my investment WAS worth it because I felt beautiful inside and out that day, I can and will decide it is worth overcoming the blocks I have placed in my way for particular paths in my life.  Nevertheless, I am still incredibly frustrated that in this game of Chutes and Ladders, the chutes are carefully hidden by flaps that look as secure as the rest of the ground you are walking on, so you never see them coming.  It's going to take me a while to get up and look for that next ladder, especially because I currently want (and I think, need) to suppress that urge in order to adequately work during harvest, study for the GRE, and actually finish the applications/statement of purpose, I have no doubt that at some point, I will get tired of sitting on the cold, wet earth that resides at the bottom of the game board.  At first, the cold will leave me numb, then the tingling feeling when you try to adjust your position, then the shooting pain until you get up and move all together.

Are these all convoluted images?  Yes.  Does this post make much sense?  Probably not.  But does it matter?  Not necessarily.  I needed to think through some of this before I fully suppress the conversation and fall from last night.

Rising to the Challenge

I know it has been over four months since my last entry and, my oh my, what has transpired in my virtual absence.  Over the last few weeks, I have begun to recognize how isolated I have been, and while writing in this blog may not create tangible bonds with other people in the same way personal interactions do, returning to writing may likely serve as an effective way to process much that has been on my mind.  It also helps that I was challenged by a former-coworker and mother-figure yesterday to begin blogging again.  As she and I visited about the goings-on in my life and all of the important life choices that I have faced in these last four months, she asserted that writing about them will help, and I believe she is correct.

My last entry described my upcoming trip to Lincoln, NE, for an interview for a museum manager position.  The week I spent in Lincoln preparing for the interview began a process that would alter my course of self-discovery, which I intended to record in this blog to begin with.  As I sat researching the historiography of tractors and agricultural implements, learned about the origins of the museum itself, and read the profiles of my interview committee (all things my friend, and current graduate student at UNL, helped me with five days prior to the interview), I felt overwhelmed and doubtful, but managed to conduct myself pretty well in the interview itself.  In fact, I was more relaxed during the interview than throughout my entire visit.  While I left with the sense that I may not have been precisely the candidate they wanted, I thought I had a very good chance of being hired.  Two and a half weeks later, when I received the generic "thank you for your interest but we selected a different candidate" email, the hard truth of my position unceremoniously slammed me to the ground.  Despite the fact that I had completed two fellowships, four internships, and an honors thesis/exhibition in public history, I was not an asset to anyone.  Museums weren't going to give my resume a second glance because I lacked a Master's Degree.    I had spent the last five years telling myself I didn't want to invest the time or money into getting a degree I didn't need.  All I needed was someone to recognize my potential, put me on the bottom rung of the ladder, and give me a chance to work my way up.  I wasn't about to disappoint them when given the opportunity to display my work ethic.  Yet, as I went about my farm work that afternoon, and spoke with my friend that evening, I was forced to confront reality - I had to go to grad school. 

I did not come to this decision lightly.  In fact, this first "come to Margaret" moment brought so much fear and doubt and critical self-reflection that it took a lot for me to accept my fate.  I spent the next several weeks weighing my options, working through a few of these reflections that were staring me in the face, and seeking counsel from my mentor and friends, some grad students and some who are also considering it.  My meeting with my mentor a few days before my birthday in mid-August confirmed my decision that, yes, grad school was the best and most necessary course of action.

So, all, I HAVE BEGUN APPLYING TO GRAD SCHOOL.  Now that I have made that decision, I am excited about the prospect.  I no longer doubt I'll be accepted.  Sure, I may not be accepted to every program I apply to (though there are only three), but I'm confident enough in myself now to believe I'll get accepted to at least one.  I'll finally receive professional training that will make me an asset for employers.  I'll be in an academic environment which, though constantly challenging, is a relatively safe zone in which I can debate and learn and grow and exchange ideas with my peers who care as much about their education as I do.  I'll have an another opportunity to reinvent myself a bit more, get out and have new experiences, make new friends, possibly start a romantic relationship, but, overall, grow as a person.  

That isn't to say I haven't been doing a whole hellava lot of growing over the last year.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  Every time I try to quantify how much I have changed and grown, I get overwhelmed and over-analytical, so I have stopped trying.  Are there a whole slew of issues that I keep discovering and have to work through?  Absolutely.  This is in large part due to caring friends who are invested in my well-being despite all the frustrations I feel when they challenge me to probe deep into the darkest parts of myself and bring these issues to light, but this is necessary for me to grow up.  I don't want to be a scared little girl anymore, worried about disappointing the people I love, defining selfishness as the act of seeking happiness for oneself, fearing total alienation from my family and friends by growing into my own person.  I've suppressed so many things about myself under the guise of putting others first that this next phase of acknowledging these concerns is proving to be excruciatingly difficult, but at least I am thinking about it, right?  Many have told me it is time to act, and I don't deny that they are correct, but my thinking about these issues IS acting.  It isn't the last step in the process, it is only the beginning, and that is the important thing.

So, will I blog everyday about all my deepest fears and darkest feelings?  Not necessarily.  There are things that I will only reserve for conversations with people I genuinely trust, not the entire world, but there will be speculative entries about this or that, and specifics of that "this or that" may not be disclosed.  Yet as I let my words flow from my fingertips, I will be continuing to think and act and formulate my next series of actions and that is enough of a reason to continue this blog again.  

Odd jobs

Dad went up the Bradford farm to load trucks of grain today, so I was home and did odd jobs.  In fact, most of these jobs were for myself rather than the farm.  It was a rather boring day and I had a difficult time keeping myself busy because it was just warm enough to make weed-pulling impossible in some places.  I'll try again tomorrow, but I will be going up to do odd jobs at Bradford tomorrow.  Nothing special to report, I'm afraid. Weeding and chores.

Exciting News!

This morning started as any other, I went out to do chores.  When dad came over, we went out armed with shovel and spade and waged war on the Canadian thistles growing en masse around one of the barnyards.  When I came back, I went to get a drink.  I checked my phone as usual, and saw the voicemail icon.

I GOT AN INTERVIEW WITH THE LARSEN TRACTOR MUSEUM IN LINCOLN, NEBRASKA!

This was the application that I had only two days to work on, yet managed to get submitted on the deadline.  I will be heading to Lincoln this weekend probably for a Tuesday interview.  Luckily I have a friend who lives close to campus, so I have a place to stay and a guide to help orient me with the place.  I'm hoping to visit the museum on Monday as some prep work for the interview.

The rest of the day was spent grinding corn while dad used the tub grinder to chop hay.  We were completely out of both, so we couldn't feed the cattle until late this afternoon.  It was such a great day!  I'll keep ya'll posted!

Epic Fail

So, I have obviously not been keeping up with this blog over the last few days.  My days have been filled with feeding cattle as needed and field work at the Bradford farm.  I have formed a special attachment to the Case IH 2x2 and the field cultivator, as this is has been my sole activity over the last three days.  The cultivator is large implement that spans probably 30 feet with small shovels that dig into the earth a few inches to break up the surface.  Attached to the front is a harrow that further smooths out the ground.  Because Bradford got a decent amount of rain last week, it was too wet for us to plant until yesterday.  By cultivating the field, we broke up the soil enabling it to dry faster as well as preventing the ground to dry into a hard lump, making it easier to bring the planter through the field.  Dad has been planting the soybeans while I do the field work.  I would suspect he is nearly done (probably working on it as we speak to finish) and then we can plant the corn.  I don't know how many acres I haven't done, but I would guess at over 100 in the last three days.  It's been productive, though sitting in the tractor cab gets monotonous.  It does provide some opportunity to reflect on life, though I'll admit, because I tend to do that frequently throughout my day and in conversations with friends, I have been vegging out in the tractor.  Regardless, though, things are going well and I have been content with the things I think about whether in or out of the tractor.  I suppose I had better not promise to be more diligent with the blog because after working between 9-11 hours, blogging is about the last thing I want to do.  I will blog when I can, but that's the best I can do at the moment.

Planting Soybeans

On this gloriously sunshine-y with a reasonable wind, I, Margaret Spiegel, planted about 12 acres of soybeans!  I directly contributed to our family's income for the year (in more than just the indirect grunt work capacity).  Dad broke the field in for me, rode two rounds with me to ensure I had no questions, and then I was off by myself.  It really isn't so difficult.  I haven't planted any corn yet, the ground is too wet, but I'll probably get to plant more beans up at the Bradford farm tomorrow.  I may also learn to disk, so that will be exciting.  While dad finished planting this afternoon, I distributed salt blocks to both houses for the water conditioner and to as many animal pens as we had blocks for.  I also picked up all the marking flags we set out to divide the corn ground from the bean ground.  We are officially done planting at the Henry County farm!  The rest of the day was spent mowing my lawn while I waited for dad to return from hauling the planter up the Bradford farm.  We fed the south yard this evening as well as the cattle over at home, but we really focused on finishing planting the beans here today.  Yay for one farm being planted!