Update

Alright, folks, so it has obviously been longer than a week since I last posted.  Overall, things have been going pretty well.  I have decided two very important things over the last ten days or so:  trying to study for the GRE further would result in diminishing returns and spending too much time in your head causes more stress than is necessary.  Both led me to the conclusion that I need to just relax and rejuvenate.  Not worry about things beyond my control.  Take some time for myself.   Be kind to myself.  Actually put myself in the forefront without too much reflection or analysis.  The last few days have been really great as a result of my doing these things.  I've been able to think about other things and I realized that I haven't given ya'll a farm update in a long while.  So, just for something a bit more light-hearted, here's what's been going on at Scattered Acres.

We have officially begun harvest.  All of the soybeans at the home place are cut and processed.  Our yields were so good that we had to sell two wagon loads because we didn't have the storage space in our corn crib.  We were lucky to have gotten rain when we did over the summer, especially in late August, when the beans were setting pods.  We have begun picking corn, and while the yields are lower than usual, that was expected given this year's drought.  We are much better off than many farmers in Illinois. Conditions were so bad by mid-July that many had to chop their entire crop into silage in an attempt to get any good from it at all.  We haven't been in the field over the last few days because of rain, but my dad is content with our pace for the harvest, which is all that matters.

We have also been thinking ahead to winter; moving equipment back into storage, shuffling animals around to more appropriate barns, selling as many animals as are fat enough to sell, etc.  After taking a cull cow and seven fat cattle to the sale barn on Wednesday, we combined the two pens of feeder cattle together, opening up one pen in preparation for weaning our homegrown calves and my mom's bucket calves.  The bucket calves have already been moved to their new home, but we will wait a few more weeks to wean our calves from the herd.  Once we finish picking corn in one field, we will graze the cow herd in that field, so the calves will have grow a bit more before having their diet changed exclusively to grain.  We have also moved the ten replacement ewe lambs back over to the sheep house with the fat market lambs.  We have to wait until the week of Thanksgiving before we can sell the market lambs, since they aren't fat enough yet due to lack of grass over the summer.  Once they sell, though, we will bring the bred ewes over to the sheep house.  My mom is also cutting back her chicken flock in preparation for winter.  Not only have her new hens begun laying, but the price of feed has risen a fair bit, making it financially unwise to winter all those birds.

In other news, we have purchased two new pieces of equipment which ought to make our lives much better in the coming years.  Over the summer we purchased new concrete feeding bunks for the south feeder yard, and the gentleman we bought those from had a friend who was selling out of livestock.  We ended up purchasing his silage chopper.  That will be great for next summer given how many problems our chopper gave dad this year.  We also just purchased another skid-steer loader, which will replace two our of loaders that are less-than-user-friendly.  As a result of these new implements, we will be selling the old pieces as well as a few other implements that have been taking up space in the shed but have not been used in years.  It will be very exciting to sort through these implements this winter and get rid of them.

Otherwise, things on the farm as the same as they usually are.  The seasons pass and we hope we can finish everything that needs to get done in a reasonable amount of time without too many mishaps.  It's hard to believe that it nearly the end of October, though.  Frost and snow will be here before we know it!

Chutes and Ladders

Does anyone else ever feel like life is one big game of Chutes and Ladders?  This image came to mind while doing chores this morning.  I woke up feeling utterly discouraged about any and all progress I have made over the last several months after having a very emotional and challenging conversation with a friend last night.  This has become a pattern over the last year.  Something or someone would challenge me, I'd eventually process through the issues presented, and I would climb the ladder of progress in that particular area until, unexpectedly or as a result of one, single conversation, I find a chute to fall down and be the same or worse off than I was at the beginning.  This happened on several occasions with respect to my self-confidence.  I went from feeling certain I wouldn't be accepted to graduate school to understanding that I do, in fact, possess some valuable real-world experience in my field besides the combination of determination and a strong work ethic.  I have since accepted these qualities and now don't feel as anxious about getting accepted to a program.  This has translated to other areas of my life, as well.  Whenever I leave the farm, I put in more effort in my appearance (including, on occasion make up) without criticizing myself about vanity (though I'd be lying if I said that I NEVER criticize myself because it does still happen, just less frequently).  And what's nice about that part is, I do it for myself.  I'm not going to the grocery store or to visit my friends and former co-workers at my alma mater to impress anyone.  I'm dressing up because I want to.  Because it's fun and nice change from wearing grubby farm clothes.  Fortunately, I haven't slide down a chute about that lately, but even if/when that happens, I don't think I'll hit rock bottom with that one.  There's enough of a foundation for this confidence now that I'll slide part way down before I grab hold of a ladder to climb up again.  All of these things are multi-faceted, so while I still feel alright about my chances of getting into grad school, my perception of myself as a strong and capable person found one of these chutes last night, leaving me sitting on the bottom of the game board all over again.  Finding the strength to get up and look for the ladder up is going to be one of the most challenging things I will have to face, because, though I know the answer, I don't want to admit it to myself.  There's no denying that I am blocking my own way to moving on right now.  Is it foolish?  Absolutely.  Do I hate being a fool?  Undoubtedly.  Does that mean I'm ready to stop it?  No.  The trouble about these things is that you have to be your own advocate and make these decisions in your own time.  That timing may be frustrating for you, because even when you want a solution, you can't seem to move toward one.  It is also frustrating for those around you, those who care for you, who are trying to steer you or encourage you or who want more than anything for you to grow up and take care of yourself.  As someone who has been on the other side of the fence, I have some idea of what I am putting these people through, yet, oddly enough, don't feel guilty about it.  Could that change?  Sure, I could give my guilt-complex free-range in this situation in order to force me to act, but would I be acting for the right reasons?  No, I wouldn't.  I would once again be letting others direct my life.  Ultimately, I have to make this decision for myself.  If I can decide it was worth purchasing $30 in make up to get dolled up for a friend's wedding despite my judging myself in the check out, only to discover that my investment WAS worth it because I felt beautiful inside and out that day, I can and will decide it is worth overcoming the blocks I have placed in my way for particular paths in my life.  Nevertheless, I am still incredibly frustrated that in this game of Chutes and Ladders, the chutes are carefully hidden by flaps that look as secure as the rest of the ground you are walking on, so you never see them coming.  It's going to take me a while to get up and look for that next ladder, especially because I currently want (and I think, need) to suppress that urge in order to adequately work during harvest, study for the GRE, and actually finish the applications/statement of purpose, I have no doubt that at some point, I will get tired of sitting on the cold, wet earth that resides at the bottom of the game board.  At first, the cold will leave me numb, then the tingling feeling when you try to adjust your position, then the shooting pain until you get up and move all together.

Are these all convoluted images?  Yes.  Does this post make much sense?  Probably not.  But does it matter?  Not necessarily.  I needed to think through some of this before I fully suppress the conversation and fall from last night.